My Introduction to Motherhood: Rufina Ware

When and how did you find out you were pregnant?

It was the Summer of 2020, and I had started a new diet, exercise regimen, and job. I was on my way to a healthier eating lifestyle. I began to notice changes in my body, such as losing weight, but it was pretty rapid, so it raised concerns. My body felt different. I recalled feeling like I needed air, lightheaded, and like I was going to faint. I thought I might feel better if I increased my water intake, but that did not fix the problem. I consider myself a reasonably healthy person who rarely gets sick, with no health complications, so this raised concerns for me. I began to worry because I had been experiencing this unexplainable feeling for several days. However, I decided to monitor it for a couple more days, and if it continued, I would seek medical advice. It wasn’t until the night before I started my new job I decided at 2 am to drive to CVS Pharmacy and purchase a pregnancy test kit. I wanted to rule out pregnancy. When I returned home, I took both tests, and the results were “positive.” After my emotions settled (because they were all over the place as thoughts raced through my mind), I finally went to sleep. Unbeknownst to me, a tiny human was growing inside of me. The following day, I started googling the next steps. It was an unfamiliar process, and I had yet to tell my mother; therefore, I had no guidance aside from the internet (thank God for the internet). The subsequent step was confirming my pregnancy with my doctor. I took a blood test which verified I was eight weeks pregnant. I remember thinking, “how could I have been pregnant for over two months and not know!” Had I not seen the little spectacle on the ultrasound with my own eyes, I would not have believed it.

How many pregnancy tests did you take?

I purchased a First Response 3-pack and took all three tests. I read the instructions carefully because I did not want to take the test wrong. I took the first one, and a couple of minutes later, I checked the results expecting them to be negative because I honestly did not believe I was pregnant. The lines were faint, so I figured it must have been an error. Therefore, I took the remaining two tests simultaneously, and they returned positive. And at that point, there was no denying it.

Were there any signs before finding out you were pregnant?

You couldn’t have paid me to believe I was pregnant. Therefore, my first thought was not pregnancy. I only took the initial tests to rule out pregnancy. It was my way of the process of elimination to figure out what exactly was wrong. I even considered taking supplements or going to the doctor to ensure it wasn’t something more severe because of how frequently the feeling of lightheadedness was reoccurring. I never experienced any morning sickness, vomiting, or nausea.

Who was the first person you told about your pregnancy?

The first person I told was my daughter’s father.

What did you want the gender of your baby to be?

I did not have a preference; I just wanted a healthy baby.

What was the worst experience during pregnancy?

My worst experience was the toxic environment I was in at the time.

How much weight did you gain?

I lost a lot of weight during the beginning of my pregnancy, and it continued during the first few doctor visits. I was 17 weeks pregnant when I finally started gaining weight. I had gained 1lb by then, and it was significant progress! I started showing around 5-6 months. By the end of my pregnancy, I had gained 24.4 lbs. I worked until the day I gave birth, and many of my colleagues were not even aware I was pregnant until my last day. It was interesting because I was all stomach, so it was more than apparent to me. It was the largest my stomach had ever been. But to people who didn’t know me, I guess they saw me differently.

When was your expected due date, and when did you actually give birth?

My expected due date was March 4^th, 2020, but I gave birth on February 25^th.

Walk us through the day your water broke or the birthing process?

It was 4 am in the middle of the night when I woke up with contractions. I ended up going to work still contracting because I assumed it was Braxton Hicks. It was my first pregnancy, therefore, I had no idea what contractions would feel like or how to distinguish them from Braxton Hicks. At the time, I was working at a call center. I recall experiencing contractions on several calls. The contractions were so bad there were moments I could not speak while on a call. On one call, in particular, I remember the caller repeatedly saying, “Hello…? Are you there?” A coworker (who was already a mother) at the desk next to me informed our male supervisor, “I think she’s in labor.” Appearing frantic, my supervisor approached me and stated, “I’m not good with these things; what would you like me to do?” I simply replied, “I am fine,” as I was unsure how he could help me. Therefore, I decided to manage until my shift was over.

Nevertheless, I noticed my contractions had gone from a few per hour to minutes apart since the morning. I figured I could tough it out because I was oblivious that I was in labor. I finished my shift and went home. While using the restroom, I noticed I was peeing longer than usual, and a liquid trickled out afterward, which felt like I was peeing on myself. At that moment, I put on a pad to help. My child’s father and I decided to work on the baby’s bassinet. As I sat down to read the manual, a slight trickle quickly turned into a nonstop water flow. Immediately I told him, “I think my water broke!” At that instant, panic set in. He grabbed my hospital bag while my mother helped me clean up and change. We drove to the hospital, and all the while, water kept flowing. Like in the movies, I always envisioned my water would break, and that was it, but nope, no one tells you that the water keeps coming and coming. It was still pouring as we arrived at the hospital.

I was 1-2 centimeters dilated when we arrived at the hospital. The contractions worsened! It was unbearable, but I still wanted to tough it out. I had zero intentions of not having a natural birth. They would check me to see how far I had dilated periodically, but it remained the same, I -2 centimeters. Every time I had a contraction, my baby’s oxygen level would drop. As the contractions got stronger, her oxygen levels decreased. After a few hours, the doctor started discussing other options: induction and c-section, specifically c-section. Although the doctor said I could wait a little longer, she felt it would be best to have the c-section because I was dilating slowly. However, I decided to hold on and was given Pitocin to induce the labor. After receiving the Pitocin, I dilated to 3 centimeters, and the contractions progressed. The doctor periodically checked me and indirectly insisted, even attempting to persuade me to have a c-section. I made it clear I did not want a c-section. However, after further discussion with my daughter’s father, we decided it was in our child’s best interest that we go through with the c-section. Needless to say, I was in labor for 14 hours, and my daughter was born at 12:02 on February 25th.

Did you get an epidural?

Yes, I did get the epidural. As much as I was against it, I felt I had no choice. If I chose to do a scheduled c-section, I could be awake and experience my child being born, and a family member could be with me. However, if I had waited for an emergency c-section, I would’ve had to be put to sleep where no one could be in the operating room with me. The last thing I wanted was no memories of my daughter’s birth; therefore, I agreed to the epidural and c-section.

Do you remember your first words to your baby?

I cannot recall my first words to my baby. However, I was a chatterbox in the operating room. I’m typically reserved, but the medications they administered had me saying any and everything on my mind. I talked until I heard her first cries, but I went silent when my daughter was laid on my chest. I don’t recall saying a word as we rolled back from the operating room to my hospital room. I held her and was mesmerized.

Did you have any health complications during or after childbirth?

I am incredibly grateful that I did not experience any health complications during or after childbirth.

What’s the best thing you enjoy about being a mom?

My favorite thing about being a mother is watching Emery develop her sense of self. From the things she does and says to the faces she makes, she never ceases to amaze me. She has a spunky personality and her own identity, and I love it!

What has been the most challenging part of being a mom?

The most challenging part of being a mom has been learning to co-parent with Emery’s other parent. However, it’s a work in progress, and I am optimistic.

Anything outrageous happened at the hospital?

Once it was determined that I would be admitted, I was given an IV. The IV process was a nightmare. The nurse struggled to find my veins. She poked me multiple times in what seemed to be the same spot, and it was awfully painful, so my reflex was to pull my hand back. Still unable to find a vein, she shoved the needle into my left hand. I still cringe when I think about it! It was so painful I asked if we could do without an IV. She then called another nurse to attempt. This other nurse was a lot older and more seasoned. She decided to stick me from the back of my hand, and not only was it painless and quick, but she also explained what she was doing and why throughout the process, which I appreciated and calmed me. I sustained a spot on my hand that swelled up where the first nurse attempted to insert the IV. My hand was numb and tingling throughout the three days at the hospital and even after discharge. It didn’t come to itself for weeks after I had gone home.

Any do-overs or regrets:

My only regret is that I wish I had taken more pictures. If I could have a do-over, I would’ve gotten a Black Doula and had a water birth at home.

Any takeaway or advice?

There is no cookie-cutter approach to mothering. That maternal instinct kicks in when the time calls for it, so don’t worry about feeling inadequate or unequipped to take on motherhood. I believe we are provided what we need innately and what you think you may be lacking when it comes to experience can be gained through other means. Don’t hesitate to reach out to your support system for guidance. You can still gain one through support groups if you don’t have one through family or friends. I remember being added to a Facebook group for mothers not too long after I had Emery. Although we didn’t know one another, we still were able to bond over the commonality of motherhood. No one was too proud to ask for help or post about the hardships that becoming/being a mother comes with. It was a safe space for first-time and seasoned mothers to support, learn and share with one another.