My Family of Four: Tosin Elizabeth Lee

How many children do you have?

I have two children: Naomi, who is almost two years old, and our newest addition Serenity, who is two months old.

What is the back story for each pregnancy?

My husband and I have been friends since elementary school. We started dating in high-school, so we had plenty of time to discuss our ideas of when we wanted kids. Of course, our thoughts changed over the years, but ultimately we knew we wanted to be married for a couple of years before expanding our family. After two years, we started to try around my birthday in March of 2018 for our first child. Fortunately, we conceived pretty quickly.

We knew we wanted our children to be pretty close in age; therefore, we planned my second pregnancy so that the baby would be about twenty months apart from the older sibling if all went according to plan. This time, we started to try towards the end of 2019, around my husband’s birthday in October.

When and how did you find out you were pregnant each time?

Since both of my pregnancies were planned, I found out pretty soon after conception because I would take a pregnancy test as early as possible. With the first pregnancy, I surprised my husband with a “congratulations” card because he had just landed a new job out of graduate school. I wrote in the card as if the baby was speaking to him. Things like “mom said you have a new job” and “I am so proud of you, daddy.” I gleefully watched as his facial expression turned from confusion to excitement. It was the cutest thing. I wish I could’ve captured it on camera.

With the second pregnancy, we found out together. I will never forget it! We had traveled back home to Florida for Thanksgiving. I was standing in my childhood bedroom in my parent’s house when I saw the word “pregnant” flash across the pregnancy test. I remember gasping and then jumping up and down like a kid; my husband knew from my actions that I was pregnant. We held a long embrace.

Which pregnancy was most memorable, and why?

Both pregnancies were memorable for their own reasons. My pregnancy with Naomi was memorable because it was my first one. Every feeling, emotion, physical changes in my body, every symptom was new, and exciting, and sometimes challenging. I remember feeling pretty healthy throughout as I was still able to workout throughout the entire pregnancy.

My pregnancy with Serenity stands out the most because it was during a time of high racial injustice worldwide, an increase in police brutality against black people, and a global pandemic. I should’ve been stress-free during my pregnancy; however, the year 2020 brought high stressors and anxiety. I work as an occupational therapist with the geriatric population, so I was paranoid about contracting COVID-19, despite the precautions I was taking. I became obsessed with protecting myself and my unborn child. When I came home from work, I would spray a Clorox mixture at the bottom of my shoes and leave them outside. Then I would strip down, throw my clothes in the washer, and washed up before I hugged my husband and daughter. I made sure to do everything I could to prevent getting the virus, as I was unsure how it would affect my unborn child.

Another issue that became stressful was the growing division in the country. I tried so hard to conceal my feelings while on the job. However, my coworkers and patients would frequently express their opposing thoughts about recent events, including justifying police brutality. I wanted to break down and cry so many times; however, I felt compelled to maintain my professionalism and suppress my feelings. So giving birth to Serenity was like poetic justice; she provided us with peace as her name indicates.

What was your worst experience during each pregnancy?

Fortunately, both of my pregnancies were pretty smooth. During my first pregnancy with Naomi, I had a couple of weeks of fatigue and a few days of morning sickness, but otherwise, I felt good! I did develop Dysgeusia (an altered sense of taste). For me, I had a metallic taste in my mouth, 24/7, for nearly the whole pregnancy! It was not pleasant at all. I had to constantly chew gum or brush my teeth to get rid of the taste. It would last a few minutes before it was back again. That’s something I will never forget. Overall, I was happy and enjoyed connecting with my little Naomi.

During my second pregnancy, the worst experiences were being pregnant during COVID-19 and experiencing heightened racial injustices. In addition, I had a hard time listening to people project their feelings of having another girl onto me. Oh my goodness, that got on my nerves! I received so many insensitive comments, even from virtual strangers. Things such as “another girl? You need to keep trying! They need a brother!” “Your husband must be disappointed,” “oh no, two girls, I’ll pray for you!” the list went on. We initially wanted a boy so that we could have the experience of raising both sexes. However, my husband and I were so incredibly happy about our Serenity. We were thrilled to have the opportunity to raise another child and accepted the blessing. I understand that most of these commenters did not mean any malice, but it made me realize that people tend to say things to pregnant women that they may not realize is offensive.

What was different about each pregnancy?

Both pregnancies were almost identical in nature! For both pregnancies, I experienced dysgeusia, some fatigue, and a few occasions of morning sickness. I was able to workout during both pregnancies. One difference is that I gained a little more weight with my first, and the times we were living in were different. Also, dealing with Texas heat and wearing a facial mask due to COVID-19 makes for a very uncomfortable pregnant woman!

Other than your firstborn, were you able to guess the gender of the next child? If so, how?

No, I did not guess, right! I have heard a lot about the Old Wives’ Tales used to guess the baby’s gender, but it didn’t work for me.

How much weight did you gain each pregnancy?

I gained around 15-20 pounds for both.

How did each child feed? bottle-fed, breastfed, etc

My first child was breastfed for two weeks until we were told that she lost a little too much weight. Her pediatrician suspected my milk supply to be low, so she suggested supplementing with formula and pumping. Pumping did not go well for me, so we had to switch to formula completely. I was devastated and felt defeated. My mummy guilt was on 100! I felt like I failed my child, despite my best efforts to increase my supply. However, I know I did everything I could for the best interest of my child. I didn’t have any support from a lactation specialist, which I learned would have been vital for my success.

For my second child, I breastfed exclusively for the first month with the assistance and support from a lactation specialist. I began to pump and noticed my supply started to decrease; thus, we started implementing formula, and I continued to pump while incorporating supplements to increase my supply. I am happy to say I am still pumping and storing breastmilk. I definitely feel more confident this time around.

When were your expected due dates, and when did you actually give birth to each child?

Naomi’s due date was January 2^nd, 2019, and we did an elective induction a few days before. She was born on December 30th, 2018. Serenity’s due date was August 22^nd, 2020, and she was born on August 17^th, 2020.

Walk us through the day your water broke or the birthing process of each pregnancy?

For the first pregnancy, we decided to go the induction route. I was instructed to give the hospital a call on my induction date to ensure that a bed would be available. I called the morning of the scheduled induction; however, I was told there were no beds available to call back every few hours. Meanwhile, I couldn’t eat anything! All I was allowed to have was water and popsicles. My husband felt so bad that he decided not to eat as well (no matter what I said!). The whole day went by, and no bed was made available. Therefore, I was put on the waitlist the next day. A bed became available the following afternoon. Since it was an elective induction, they started the Pitocin, and contractions began immediately. I was in labor for several hours before I decided to get an epidural. Naomi took a while to drop, so the doctor suggested a c-section several times. I was beside myself! I was hungry, tired, in pain, and ready to see my child, but I did not want to have an unnecessary surgical procedure just because it was taking long. My doctor ensured that my baby and I were fine, so I did not see a reason to proceed with a c-section. My birth plan was to deliver in the tub, but it wasn’t until I reached the hospital that I was told that it wouldn’t be possible. At that point, I felt like giving in. It was my husband who advocated for me. He spoke to the doctor outside of the room and convinced her to wait another hour to see whether Naomi would drop, and the doctor agreed. A new nurse came in and tried different positions with me, and soon after, Naomi was born. What a miracle! I wasn’t discharged for a few days, so we celebrated the new year in the hospital with our new baby.

For Serenity, we went through a birth center Bay Area Community Birth Center (which I wanted to do for Naomi but was not thoroughly informed) and had a midwife. My mom flew into town two weeks before her due date with plans to stay for a few weeks after Serenity was born. This allowed my husband and I to have a quick staycation in Houston while my mom watched Naomi. It was our last time having one on one time together before we became a family of four! On the night of August 16^th, I labored at home with contractions starting at around 10 PM. I was able to tolerate it for a while and even slept through the night. Early morning on August 17^th, the contractions were occurring rapidly. Soon they were 2-3 minutes apart, and it all happened so fast! But I still managed to drive myself to get a smoothie as my husband took our other child to daycare. For the record, I do not recommend this. However, I did not expect the contractions to get so close together so fast. We left for the birth center around 8 AM. We got there around 8:30 AM, and I was already 8 centimeters dilated! My husband prepared my labor playlist, and the midwives got the bathtub ready. I requested to use the nitrous oxide because the pain was just a little too intense for me. Less than an hour later, Serenity was born still in her sac while Michael Jackson played in the background (my favorite artist)! I recently went live on Instagram to talk about my hospital birth versus the birth center birth experience since they were so different.

Did you get an epidural each time? If so, why or why not?

I got an epidural for the hospital birthing experience. Since I gave birth in a birthing center the second time, I did not have the option for an epidural, but I did use nitrous oxide, which helped with the pain but did not completely eliminate it.

Do you remember your first words to each child?

I believe I said, “oh my gosh, my baby!” Both times!

Did you have any health complications during or after childbirth?

Fortunately, I did not have any health complications during any of my pregnancies other than testing positive for the Group B Streptococcal Infection (GBS bacteria), which was treatable. After I gave birth to Serenity, I developed a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) that was treated with no further concerns.

What has been the most challenging part of parenting multiple children?

Balance! It can be challenging to find time for yourself, your partner, and your children. At times, I find myself feeling guilty when I pour more time into one area than another, but at the same time, I fight not to lose myself in the process. Also, making sure you’re giving equal attention to each child can be a challenge as well. Fortunately, our oldest child LOVES Serenity, so most of the time, she wants to be around her and help out, but my husband and I still make an effort to give each child their individual time with us because I believe that it be necessary. Lastly, pushing through sleepless nights (due to having a newborn) can be difficult when you have a very active toddler. Luckily, I think those sleepless nights are behind us because our little one now sleeps throughout the night. At the end of the day, I remind myself through these challenges that I am only human, I am doing the best I can, and I am leading with love.

Anything outrageous happened at the hospital?

Feeling pressure to have a c-section when there was nothing physically wrong with me or the baby was pretty outrageous! The intense back pain I had following the hospital birth. It was worse than the actual contractions and, unfortunately, I do not feel like I was being heard by the nurses. I was given pain medication eventually, but it didn’t help much, so I had to wait it out.

Is there such a thing as having a favorite child? Or maybe a child that is closely bonded to one parent than the other? If so, describe that bond. Also, how do you go about it while ensuring it is not apparent to the other child.

I honestly cannot say I have a favorite child. Our bonds are different, mostly because we connect differently. For example, I can verbally communicate with Naomi because she’s a toddle. My communication with Serenity is more through body language, physical touch, and facial expressions since she’s an infant. But they’re both my favorites, and I don’t expect that to ever change.

What are the characteristics of each child, and who does it resembles the most between the parents?

Naomi is so energetic and silly! She loves making people laugh, playing outside, and singing. She is so smart and loves to learn and explore. She can definitely be stubborn, but she knows what she wants and what she likes. She’s extremely sweet and thoughtful. I see both myself and my husband in her. She probably gets the stubbornness from me and the energy from her daddy. I think more people say she looks like her dad but is starting to look more like me as she ages. Serenity is still very young, but she seems very chill and calm. I think she will be down to earth, kind and loving. Right now, I feel like she has her dad’s eyes (both Naomi and Serenity have big, beautiful eyes!) and my nose.

Knowing what you know now as a mother, what would you do differently if you were given that opportunity? (any moment or timeframe)

Giving myself more grace! As mothers (or parents in general), we can be hard on ourselves. Is this the right decision? What am I doing wrong? How could I have handled this better? How do they view me? Am I a good mother? I would remind myself that I am truly doing the best I can. I make every effort to be an “intentional parent,” meaning that I’m consciously nurturing my kids to feel safe, comfortable in who they are, and live in an environment where they can thrive. I make every effort to use the positive parenting that I saw growing up and do away with the parts I disagree with. I remind myself that I’m leading by love, and everything else will fall into place. I’m not perfect, but I know I am doing a darn good job.

Any take away or advice?

Be gentle and kind to yourself! Parenting can be such a challenge but also rewarding. You’re doing a great job, mama!