My husband Glenn and I got married on July 2, 2016, in Florida. Before we got married, we spent two years traveling the Southeast US and being free. Since we lived spontaneously, family planning was not a priority. Other factors were considered as to the reason we were not actively trying to get pregnant: we both worked long hours, we lived 12 hours from the majority of our family, and we were renting a small house. As a result, we decided if it happened, great, and if it didn’t happen, also great as we were not planning for it. My birth control prescription expired in August, and I never got it refilled, so I just stopped taking it. We were not trying to get pregnant but, at the same time, not taking measures to prevent it either. We vastly overestimated how much time we had before getting pregnant. We thought it would be more like a year before getting pregnant. Boy, were we wrong!
When and how did you find out you were pregnant?
It was around my birthday, February 2017, when I made that suspenseful trip to the drug store for an EPT. Glenn and I were only six months into marriage and were not planning on a baby that soon. I then made an appointment with my doctor to confirm I was actually pregnant before telling my family. The doctor confirmed, and to my surprise, I was almost eight weeks pregnant! I was shocked by how subtle the signs were up until that point. During all this, I had been working as an expeditor in a chemical plant. I wanted to wait until 12 weeks pregnant before sharing the big news. That meant I had to keep it a secret from people I worked with 12 hours a day. Hiding morning sickness was horrible, plus the fatigue that comes with the first trimester.
How many pregnancy tests did you take?
I bought two pregnancy tests, and they both were positive. That was proof enough to call my OB-GYN.
Were there any signs before finding out you were pregnant?
I had weight gain and mild nausea for two weeks before realizing it wasn’t food poisoning from my oma’s bad baking. She often served spoiled baked goods. Baking was not her strong point! To this day, I still shudder thinking about the brownies!
Who was the first person you told about your pregnancy?
Glenn was the first to know. I told him I may be pregnant and was going to take a test. I scurried off to the bathroom while he waited in the living room. I stared at the two positive tests for a few minutes processing my thoughts and how I was going to tell him. I walked out of the bathroom and handed him the EPTs. He was chill about it and kept so cool and calm while I sobbed happy and scared tears. He then asked me why I was crying, and honestly, that’s a dumb question to ask a pregnant woman. Next was our parents. We found sweet ways to tell them. We were able to tell my parents and Glenn’s dad in person. I found a tea towel that said something about grandparents (I can’t remember what exactly) and put it with an ultrasound photo for my parents. They are very intuitive and had a feeling we had big news for them! Glenn’s mom lives in Ohio, which made the reveal a little tricky. We had her set up a skype and told her it was because Glenn’s brother Aaron wanted to see her for his birthday. After a few minutes, we held up the ultrasound picture. She was over the moon! Our landlord, which became our Texas mom, found out when I accidentally printed my ultrasound on her printer because we shared her WIFI. Sorry, Grand-Mary!
What did you want the gender of your baby to be?
I really wanted a boy, and so did my husband. We were all team boy, and that’s what we got! Israel gave us a good laugh and a very clear ultrasound at 16 weeks. He wasn’t shy about it at all!
What was your worst experience during pregnancy?
I’ve always loved hard work, but at that time, I didn’t know if too much physical activity could be harmful to the baby. I wanted to do everything I could to make sure my baby was healthy. Adjusting to a pregnant body was difficult. The lower back pain was another level of hurting! By five months in, my belly was pretty big. I remember going to an antique shop, and there was an older lady asked how far along. When I told her five months, she said, “oh! That’s all?” Glancing at my belly. Feeling my body change was difficult for me, but knowing people possibly see my body as different and unusual jarred me a little. I worried about postpartum depression (PPD). I’d see stories shared on social media about the toll PPD can have on a new mother, and it would drive my fear deeper into my heart. But instead of educating myself on either subject, I’d shut out any thoughts of it. The “Out of sight, out of mind” method didn’t work too well for me.
How much weight did you gain?
I gained around 50 pounds. My doctor kept telling me to stop gaining weight like I had a choice. I ate the best I could and tried to be active. I did my best! Recommended weight charts are vague anyway!
When was your expected due date, and when did you actually give birth?
I was supposed to have my baby on September 7, but I chose to be induced on the 13th. When hurricane Harvey came through, I just knew I’d have a baby then, but the old wives’ tale about pressure systems causing labor is false. The last week before delivery, I tried many methods to make myself go into labor, and none of them worked. I tried castor oil; it tasted terrible and didn’t even work well for its actual use as a laxative. Next up was acupuncture. Acupuncture has many benefits, but one I didn’t know was it can help with inducing labor. My friends called our yoga instructor friend, a certified acupuncturist, to do it for me. She put needles in my feet, legs, hands, arms, chest, and face. I was nervous at first, but it turned into one of the most peaceful experiences. The needles don’t feel sharp, and there was no pain. Plus, it’s a little empowering. I was doing and enjoying something that had seemed scary. She left the needles in for a while and removed them. I was completely relaxed but still not in labor, so that was a little disappointing. I tried walking as much as I could, but since Texas is still hot in September, most of my walking was in stores, and I just ended up spending too much money! I had hoped I would not need to be induced. I wanted my water to break and begin laboring at home before going to the hospital. I thought I’d be the most relaxed this way.
Walk us through the day your water broke or the birthing process?
I was six days past my due date and was not feeling anything. Absolutely nothing! I was induced at 5.45 a.m. They started a Pitocin drip, and the fun began. Contractions happened fast and hard. It felt like my whole body was trying to implode! After a couple more hours, my doctor said I wasn’t progressing fast enough and broke my water. Thanks, doctor! About 6 hours in, my nurse asked if I’d like something for pain, and I happily said yes. Finally, almost 2 p.m., it was time to push. The doctor then found Israel was face up. That’s when things turned bad. I pushed for 2 hours straight, and he wasn’t coming out. He was too low for a c-section, and I was running out of energy. Since I couldn’t push him while he was face up, the doctor turned him. Meconium went everywhere. For those who don’t know, meconium is very dangerous if the baby inhales it. Thank God he didn’t get any in his lungs! Also, when the doctor turned him, it wrapped the umbilical cord around his neck. I was finally able to push him further, but the cord was now cinching tighter. He finally came out purple and not breathing. I remember my mom and husband giving me a petrified look before staring at the doctor. I was so exhausted I had no idea what was happening. My mom said it felt like forever before Israel started breathing and crying. The nurse then bundled him to me and laid him on my chest. His big beautiful eyes were bloodshot red from straining. We got a short moment together and a quick kiss before he was rushed to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit (NICU).
Did you get an epidural?
I did not get an epidural. Even though the pain was terrible, I’m thankful I skipped it because I would have had to wait for it to wear off to be able to push harder. The plan was to go natural, but I was given some pain medicine.
Do you remember your first words to your baby?
I don’t remember if I said anything to him, but I do remember the first time I got to really see him after delivery. He had tubes and wires all over him, and his oxygen tube strap was pushed upon his head (it looked like a little headlamp). He was fragile yet strong all at the same time. I was frightened, watching him, mostly because I had no idea what to do for him. I’m still amazed at how much fighting spirit was in that little body.
Did you have any health complications during or after childbirth?
After giving birth, I struggled with postpartum depression. I had set expectations on who I would be as a mother, how my son would react to his new world, and how our lives would be in general. Literally, everything was the opposite of what I imagined. When Israel was one month old, my husband’s daughter Cheyenne committed suicide (October 31, 2017). She had quietly suffered from depression until she couldn’t do it anymore. Losing her shattered everything. Life became delicate. Every night I had crippling anxiety, and guilt became the daily norm for not always enjoying this beautiful, precious gift. I knew I’d experience some worry with motherhood but feeling such extremes felt like failing the one job that should have come naturally. Everyone was adjusting nicely to the new baby except me. It was a never-ending spiral that only got deeper and darker. One night after a long day of Israel being colicky and crying, I thought about how I could make life better for us. The only thought I had was to “just die.” For a moment, I thought I was the problem. It shook me to the core. My superficial expectations left me with nothing. Life wasn’t meant to be a perfect Instagram picture, and struggling doesn’t amount to failure. Just taking a second to forgive myself felt like stepping into warm sunlight. Beautiful things happened when I gave myself the room to live and make mistakes. My life is messy and probably always will be. I’m ok with that. At one of Israel’s checkups, I was given a PPD screening, and I answered the questions honestly. The pediatrician walked into the exam room and told me I had PPD. He gave me general advice that I should reach out to friends and family. At that time, I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone about it. Instead, I did a lot of online research. I found tons of positive information online on helping with depression. I would find people on social media who did things I was interested in, such as gardening, fitness, outdoor activities. And sort of lived vicariously through them because I didn’t have the energy to do it myself. I don’t know if that was healthy, but it got me through! I also binge-watched the television series Parks and Recreation! That show will forever hold a special place in my heart.
What’s the best thing you enjoy about being a mom?
I love how motherhood has changed me. At first, the changes were confusing and frightening. All the tears were cried. But I’m stronger and more resilient now. I know exactly what faith the size of a mustard seed can do! God gave me a wild, no-sleeping boy to show me just how strong I really am.
What has been the hardest part of being a mom?
Expectations! Life with this kid is unpredictable as is, but since COVID, I’ve really had to focus on what exactly I should be asking of myself and my son. I made great plans this year, but almost none of them were accomplished. I still feel like I’m falling short of the goal, but I’m better prepared now
Anything outrageous happened at the hospital?
Thankfully I dodged the weirdness that occurs at hospitals! I worried about getting stuck with a mean nurse, but mine was perfect in every way, the Mary Poppins of L&D!
Any do-overs or regrets:
For the hospital stay, I would pack enough shirts and make sure they didn’t shrink into a crop top in the wash! For postpartum, I would prepare myself better, both mentally and physically. I would be kinder to myself too.
Any take away or advice?
Make room for yourself. Make mistakes, make discoveries, make changes. God aligned the stars for you! You were made to be empowered and limitless. Even when you don’t feel it, take the emotions and use them to step forward. Redirect negative thoughts into prayer and positive affirmations. What you tell yourself has a significant impact on your emotional and mental health. Always know you’re loved beyond words!
Who shot your maternity shoot?
Photos taken by Kristy Stepp with Kristy Stepp Photography I can’t remember how I found her, but she did an excellent job.
Postpartum depression (PPD) is one of the most common medical conditions which occurs during or after pregnancy. Symptoms of PPD can be hard to recognize. The common symptoms are feeling depressed most of the day and or lack of interest or pleasure in everyday activities. 1 in 9 moms suffers from postpartum depression. If you or someone you know is suffering from signs of PPD, please reach out to your doctor, talk with someone, and search for local support groups. Visit this PPD website for more information and support: https://www.postpartumdepression.org/
If you or someone you know is in crisis and needs immediate help please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. There is also a Crisis Text Line that is FREE and available 24/7. Text “HELLO” to 741741
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has local crisis centers nationwide that provide free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Someone is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to take your call.
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