Elizabeth and Tommy formed a strong connection when they met a year and a half ago, leading them to quickly move in together after three months. Elizabeth enjoys her stable and fulfilling job, while Tommy recently experienced job loss and is relying on unemployment benefits. However, over the past couple of months, you’ve observed a change in Elizabeth’s mood and behavior. She avoids returning phone calls and frequently finds excuses to decline social invitations.
Recently, Elizabeth confided in you about a distressing incident—she and Tommy had an argument that turned physical. She attempted to downplay the seriousness of the situation, attributing blame to both parties involved. Elizabeth insisted that she is fine and took full responsibility for the altercation, citing her forgetfulness in paying the light bill as the trigger for their utilities being cut off for a while.
It is important to recognize the concerning nature of this revelation. Physical altercations should never be dismissed or normalized in a healthy relationship, regardless of the circumstances or who is at fault. Elizabeth’s attempts to minimize the incident and assume all blame raise red flags about potential manipulation or emotional distress.
If you suspect that Elizabeth may be experiencing an abusive or unhealthy relationship, it is crucial to approach the situation with compassion and care. Encourage her to seek support from trusted individuals, such as friends, family, or professionals, who can offer guidance and assistance in navigating this difficult situation.
One day, you paid a visit to Elizabeth’s home to deliver her birthday present. When she answered the door, you noticed a faint dark spot beneath her right eye. Concerned, you inquired about it, and she quickly brushed it off, claiming that she slipped and hit her face on the wall while reaching for a towel in the shower, feeling embarrassed about the incident. You laughed it off, assuming Elizabeth’s usual absentmindedness.
As you entered her home, you couldn’t help but notice small holes in the walls scattered around. Curious, you mentioned them, and Elizabeth nonchalantly attributed them to Tommy, explaining that he tends to create damage when he becomes angry. This raised further concern about the environment in which Elizabeth was living.
While sitting together in the living room, you couldn’t help but notice Elizabeth’s significant weight loss and her apparent scattered demeanor. At one point, she seemed to zone out, staring into space for several seconds until you called her name, at which point she snapped back to attention with a confused “huh.”
Deeply worried about Elizabeth’s well-being, you gathered the courage to ask her if she was okay and if she was experiencing abuse. Overwhelmed, Elizabeth became tearful and nodded her head, confirming the truth. She then expressed that it was okay and justified Tommy’s behavior by saying he sometimes loses his temper, but he is ultimately a good person who needs help. Furthermore, she blamed herself for the abuse.
In this troubling situation, it is crucial to approach Elizabeth with empathy and support. It’s important to let her know that abuse is never acceptable, regardless of the circumstances or excuses made by the abuser. Encourage her to seek professional help and offer assistance in connecting her with resources such as helplines, support groups, or organizations dedicated to supporting survivors of abuse. Let her know that she is not alone and that there are people who can help her through this difficult time.
It’s understandable to feel unsure about how to approach a sensitive situation like this, where you genuinely care about your friend’s well-being. The most important thing is to express your concern and support in a non-judgmental manner. Here’s an example of how you could approach the conversation:
“Elizabeth, I want you to know that I care about you deeply, and I’ve noticed some things lately that have me worried. I’ve noticed changes in your mood, appearance, and some incidents that have raised concerns. I want you to know that I’m here for you, and I genuinely want to support you. If there’s anything you ever need to talk about or if you feel comfortable sharing more about what’s going on, please know that I’m here to listen without judgment. Your well-being is important to me, and I just want to make sure you’re safe and supported.”
By expressing your care, concern, and willingness to listen without judgment, you create a safe space for Elizabeth to open up if she chooses to do so. Remember to be patient and understanding, as it may take time for her to fully trust and share her experiences. Let her know that you’re there for her and that you will support her through whatever she decides to do.
The “Five Things to Say” by the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence are designed to provide guidance when communicating about concerns for the safety and well-being of someone involved in a domestic violence situation. Here they are:
- “I’m concerned about your safety and well-being.”
- “You are not alone. I’m here for you and I care about you.”
- “No one deserves to be abused or live in fear.”
- “There are resources available to help you. You don’t have to face this alone.”
- “I believe you, and it’s not your fault.”
These statements emphasize empathy, support, and the importance of safety while acknowledging that the individual experiencing abuse is not to blame. Incorporating these messages into your conversation with Elizabeth can help convey your genuine concern and care. Remember to actively listen, offer validation, and provide information on available resources, such as helplines, shelters, or counseling services, to support her in seeking help.
Five Things to Say to a Domestic Violence Victim:
- “I’m afraid for your safety.”
- “I’m afraid for the safety of your children.”
- “It will only get worse if nothing changes.”
- “I am here for you when you’re ready for change.”
- “You don’t deserve to be abused.”
Five Things to Say to a Person Using Violence (Perpetrator):
- “I’m afraid you’ll really hurt her or kill her next time.”
- “I’m afraid you’ll really harm your children.”
- “It will only get worse if you don’t stop using violence.”
- “I’m here for you when you’re ready for change.”
- “No one, including you, has the right to hurt another person.”
Five Things to Say to A Child Living with a Person Using Violence:
- “It is not your fault.”
- “You can’t stop the hurt or the person using violence.”
- “Let’s talk about how & where you can go to stay safe.”
- “I am here for you if you want to talk or need help.”
- “Nobody deserves to be abused.”
Additionally, if you or someone you know is currently in a domestic violence situation/relationship, do not keep silent. You can start by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE or visiting the website for more resource and information www.thehotline.org
Helpful Tools
The Power and Control Wheel is a valuable tool developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project. It helps us understand the various patterns of abusive and violent behaviors employed by an abuser to establish and maintain control over their partner or other victims within the household. These behaviors may encompass a range of abuse types, which may not always be readily apparent but contribute to a consistent pattern of intimidation and control in the relationship.
The Power and Control Wheel serves as a visual representation of the tactics abusers commonly employ to assert dominance and exert power over their victims. By understanding these patterns, we can better recognize and address abusive situations, support survivors, and work towards creating safer environments. It’s an important resource in raising awareness about domestic abuse and promoting informed discussions about healthy relationships.
Signs that you are in an abusive situation?
The following questions (provided by the United Nations) will help you in identifying if it’s abuse or normalcy.
- Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
- Depreciate your accomplishments?
- Makes you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
- Uses intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
- Tells you that you are nothing without them?
- Treats you roughly?—grabbing, pushing, pinching, shoving, or hitting?
- Calls you several times a night or shows up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
- Uses drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
- Blames you for how they feel or act?
- Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
- Makes you feel like there is “no way out” of the relationship?
- Prevents you from doing things you want – like spending time with friends or family?
- Tries to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?
Domestic violence can affect anyone, regardless of their age, race, gender, sexual orientation, faith, or socioeconomic background. It’s essential to understand that abuse extends beyond physical violence. It can also manifest in other forms, such as sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological abuse. These actions or threats of actions exert control and power over another person, causing harm and negatively impacting their well-being. Recognizing the various forms of abuse is crucial in addressing and preventing domestic violence.
Notice to reader: Please note that the above scenario is entirely fictional. However, it could be someone’s present life. Don’t keep silent!
